Sexually abused children often know instinctively that what happened to them is not good. But they usually do not tell anyone at first. Their behavior changes, however, and parents need to be sensitive to these changes.
“Sometimes adults hesitate to look at (possible abuse) up close because they don’t know what to do or how to deal with it,” says social pedagogue Tanja von Bodelschwingh, board member of NINA, a German information and advice center for child and adolescent sexual abuse.
To help, she answered some key questions:
How do you recognize child sexual abuse?
“There are no typical injuries or signs that clearly indicate this,” she says, but adds that parents should pay attention if a child’s behavior changes noticeably — for example, if the child suddenly becomes very anxious or aggressive.
Parents of sexually abused children who call the NINA helpline report signs such as concentration problems, problems at school, withdrawal or constant complaints of headaches and stomach aches. Other children deliberately cause themselves pain or develop eating or other disorders.
Parents should be extra vigilant if their child exhibits sexual behavior beyond his or her age, “for example, if they disappear under a blanket with other children and make them pretend to be adults,” von Bodelschwingh said.
Sometimes teachers become suspicious if a child is often so tired that they fall asleep in school. “Some kids are so exhausted because they have to be awake and alert at night and they hardly sleep,” she points out.
Of course, all these “signals” can also have other causes. “That’s why it’s important to talk to the child,” advises the German help portal Sexual Abuse.
What should you do if you suspect that your child has been sexually abused?
The right strategy is to build trust, take your time, do something together and tactfully ask the child how he or she is doing by saying something like, “I’m worried about you. You look sad and have changed,” von Bodelschwingh says, adding that you shouldn’t bring up the issue and can bring it up later if necessary.
Another approach might be to say, “Not everything adults do is good for children. So it’s okay to talk about it.” You might also explain that some secrets aren’t nice to keep, so it’s okay to reveal them.
The Sexual Abuse Help Portal advises against asking questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or “no,” such as “Did the person hurt you?” Open-ended questions are better, such as “What did you do together?”
But here too, avoid any pressure. Otherwise the child may shut down completely – remember that perpetrators of child sexual abuse usually make their victims promise not to say anything about it.
Am I perhaps missing hidden cries for help?
Whether out of shame or guilt, it is difficult for a sexually abused child to put into words what has happened. Von Bodelschwingh gives an example: “Grandpa always gives me a lollipop to suck on. I don’t like it,” a child might complain to his mother.
The mother, caught up in the stresses of everyday life, may not recognize the true meaning of the words and brush off the complaint with, “Just tell him you don’t like it!” It’s that simple.
“For the child, that’s the end of the story,” von Bodelschwingh says from experience. “They think, ‘Well, I told Mom, so now she knows what’s going on. And I’m not going to tell her again.'” Often, the penny drops for the parent later.
How should you respond if your child tells you that he/she has been sexually abused?
“If your child tells you he or she has been sexually abused,” says von Bodelschwingh, rule number one is, “Let him or her know that you believe him or her and are on his or her side.” Be there for him or her, and don’t try to blame the alleged abuser.
Rule number two is not to ask for details. “That’s something you should leave to the experts,” she says. She also warns not to drag things out too long, saying, for example, “Tell me again exactly what happened!” or “What did you say happened in the bath?”
The Sexual Abuse help portal advises that you take time to consider what steps you need to take. You tell the child that you need to think about what you need to do to help him/her. When you have made a decision, you let him/her know.
It is important not to promise the child that you will keep everything to yourself, because then it is impossible to help. What you should do is write down all the observations and statements of the child.
